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“So why are you here today, Frank?”
“My wife made me come.”
“O-kaay… now, my nurse says that your father just had a heart attack, and that you’ve been having more fatigue.”
“ Yeah, I guess, but I think I’m fine..”
By now, the wife is rolling her eyes and looking ready to explode.
I look over at her and figure that if we don’t let her talk, she probably will.
“Frank hasn’t seen a doctor in years. Who knows how high his cholesterol or blood pressure is. He’s overweight, tired all the time, and a crab to be around!”
“So Frank, when’s the last time you saw a doctor?”
“I dunno, but I hate going to them, they never help me, I gotta wait forever to see them, I don’t like anyone I’ve seen, and I think I’m fine. I hate those gowns they make me wear, and you guys poke around anywhere I got an opening. That can’t be fun for you either.”
“That’s why they start us on cadavers in med school- anything after that’s a step up. Even your prostate.”
A glimmer of a smile crosses his face. The tension lessens. We begin to establish a relationship, which ironically, is very important to men.
Women see doctors two to three times more than men. Not because they have more health problems, but because it’s just a lot harder to get men to go to the doctor. The health care system is changing, with more emphasis on preventative care. It’s far more cost effective to prevent cancer and heart disease than it is to treat it. But as many of you know, it’s pretty hard to get men to go to the doctor. They are more likely to change the oil in their cars than they are to do the same for their bodies. But why?
The DIY ( Do-it-Yourself) Gene
So, he can fix the porch up, why not that big abscess on his rear? Countless cases of self-inflicted damage include examples like rashes (alcohol, bleach), cuts and injuries (superglue, duct tape), infections (alcohol, heated pins), bowel problems (alcohol, herbal cleansing); I can count on a few every week. Problem is, the human body is pretty complicated to maintain and fix and may be better left to experts. So hide the alcohol.
Giving Up Control
It’s hard to “feel like a man” while sitting buck-naked in a gown that resembles a dress with just your socks on. Talk about vulnerability. Then they’re expected to give us all their deepest fears and concerns at the same time. (And how about bending over – the ultimate sacrifice?)
Relinquishing control is hard to do for many men. Their natural tendency in meeting strangers is to assess their relative positions; the doctor-patient relationship puts them automatically in a compromised state. The solution is to establish a relationship with a trusted physician that he likes – ahead of time – before a crisis.
It’s important to make the relationship one of equals, to know each other as people. Respect for the doctor should be earned, not granted. How? That’s the doctor’s responsibility. All patients need to feel that they’ve been listened to. But if not, men will be very unforgiving and stubborn enough to disregard any advice given by the doctor, despite the risk to their health (“I don’t like that doctor. I’m not doing anything he says!”)
Ignorance is Bliss…Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Men are notorious for showing up with some festering problem they’ve had for months. It’s not until they can’t breathe, walk, or sleep that they finally figure out the problem is not going away. Their nature is to be more crisis and fix-it oriented, and are then less likely to be proactive.
Men not worrying about details can make women crazy, but as my wife says, if I worry about everything, I probably wouldn’t be able to do all the things that I do. Nevertheless, that nagging chest pain or stomach problem may mean something serious, just like that strange sound your car makes. Or it may not. Just remember, none of us are getting any younger.
At the same time, men often have a higher opinion of their own knowledge base; they know better. Ever been with one that’s lost and wondered why they don’t stop to ask for directions? They often take negative cues from popular media, yet with no relationship with a trusted physician, will believe unsubstantiated popular views. Again, not a healthy way to live.
Fear and Frustration
Men are apprehensive due to less experience with the health care system. Fear of the unknown and the unfamiliar can lead to some false bravado, although they’ll never admit it. The health care system is unbelievably complex and inefficient. It takes a lot of patience to sort it out. Women have had to do that for a long time. They have babies and take kids to the doctor. It’s great to see a dad bring the kids in once in a while. The answer is to desensitize them, rather than let them just avoid any health care at all.
Back to Frank:
We find out that his thyroid is low, he hasn’t been sleeping well, really hadn’t talked much about his father’s death, and that he was also probably depressed. He agrees to follow the plan that we’ve agreed on.
As he takes off his dress-like gown, I joke, “nice dress, I know that you come to see me just because I let you wear those.” He laughs and asks how my kids are. We have a relationship, one that makes both of us feel good about what we do.
