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Date Night in Real Life
Just surviving the day can sometimes become a major challenge. Wake up to a crying toddler sitting in a pool of skim milk and Fruity-Os, quick-change out of your PJs into some semblance of “outside” clothes, drop your preteen off at school, the little one at daycare, work nine hours – when you get back home, the last thing you want to do is leave the house again. You throw together a meal, do a load of laundry, get back into the comfy PJs, and try not to murder any of your family members for getting on your nerves while you’re attempting to rest up to tackle it all again the next day. Sound familiar?
There’s a pervasive lack of intimacy and reconnection with our spouses that becomes more detrimental each day, not just to our own relationships, but to our children. The tension from all of this day-to-day chaos builds up, and we take it out on one another. We say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment, we give each other the cold shoulder for the smallest infraction, and we’re so caught up in the kids’ schedules and extracurricular activities that we rarely make time for what could perhaps be the salvation of our marriages and the emotional well-being of our children:
Date Night.
There is no set protocol when it comes to how often we take this time for ourselves, or what we do during our adventures, but the importance we place on taking time to reconnect with our spouses could potentially improve every other aspect of our lives. As difficult as we might find it to leave smaller children with a sitter for the first time, or to find four hours in a row on a weekend that we can dedicate to our significant other, we need to make it a priority.
“A strong marital relationship is important for several reasons,” says Amberly Nichols, LCSW and clinical therapist. “Children are little sponges. They are learning everything it means to be in a romantic relationship from watching you. If you are in a constant state of conflict and tension with your partner, they learn that that is what a relationship is all about. If you go out of your way to show respect and affection for your partner, they see that, too. But it doesn't just affect their view of relationships. If you and your partner aren't happy, they aren't either. Children are reactive and don't have the emotional capacity to separate themselves emotionally from what's happening at home. Unhappy parents equal unhappy children. Anything you can do to build intimacy and contentment in your relationship will ultimately benefit your child. Date night is a great way to do that. Not only are you getting out, blowing off steam and reconnecting with each other, but you are also modeling for your children that it's important to make time for your partner and make that person a priority.”
Nichols also relates what she calls the “nerve-wracking experience” of leaving your small children with a sitter for the first time and has some tips for parents who are wary.
“Find out if your sitter is willing to come over and spend a little time with the family a few times before you leave them with that person. That way, the sitter is familiar with the vibe and routine of your family. This also gives you and your kids a chance to see how this person jives with you. Make sure that you have expectations clearly spelled out (even written out) ahead of time. What is bedtime? What are your TV/computer/gaming system rules? Do you expect the house to be picked up before you come back? Is the sitter welcome to the food in your house? Can he/she talk on the phone?
“Make sure that the sitter understands and agrees to your expectations ahead of time, so there won't be any nasty surprise that will leave you both frustrated and disappointed. Also, make sure that you and the sitter are reachable at all times. The first time you leave might be more about testing out your comfort level than really “dating,” but it will be worth it once that trust is built, and you know you don't have to call 50 million times!”
Date night isn’t about attempting to recreate some nostalgic version of your pre-married selves. It’s about growing together as a couple. There is always something to learn about your spouse, even if it’s a new idea they’re implementing at work, a new restaurant they want to try, or something they read in the paper that morning. We all know the bubbly, exciting, heart-beating moments of the first few dates don’t tend to continue forever in any relationship, but loving each other one day at a time is just as important, if not more, than the thrilling honeymoon phase. Dinner and a movie, or some indoor mini-golf, bowling, pool and video games, or anything the two of you might enjoy doing for a few hours, is enough to rejuvenate you, your marriage and your capacity to handle whatever the world throws at you in the coming week.
As for the benefits of your healthy marital relationship on your children, Nichols reminds us, “You can't give what you don't have. If you aren't feeling fulfilled and peaceful, you can't instill that in others.”
