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PrintAfter the Wedding
Tips from Your Marriage Planners
Good things do not come without a little work – and marriage is no exception to the rule. If you’re a new bride just coming off the rollercoaster of wedding planning, you might think the toughest part is behind you. But to develop a long-lasting marriage that lives up to your fairy tale wedding, you’ll need to put as much, if not more, planning into what comes after the “I do’s.”
For your wedding, you likely had a wedding-planning team to support you: a planner, florist, caterer, not to mention your mother and soon-to-be mother-in-law offering their advice! Here, we’ve also assembled a team of experts to help you in your marriage planning, including local marriage therapists and a retired pastor who has been happily married now for 60 years. Here are some of their best thoughts on how to survive and thrive in those first few years as a married couple.
Maintain Some Independence
Some issues that you used to handle on your own may stay that way, but newlyweds must also come together and decide how they will handle situations as a couple. Finances are just one example of a topic that can be troublesome for couples starting off.
“Have a way of delegating authority as to who does what, who pays for what and where the money goes right up front so everybody is on the same page,” says Dr. David F. Sonego, psychiatrist with Dr. David F. Sonego & Associates in Mishawaka.
Often newlyweds do not know where to begin, and one person winds up spending money while the other does not know where the money went, naturally causing problems to arise.
Talk it Out
Do not build inner turmoil. “Be honest about your feelings, and do not let anything fester into a catastrophic situation,” says Dr. Sonego.
In other words, if you have a complaint, express it. Partners are not always mind readers.
“If you have objections about where one puts the toothpaste and toothbrush, be open and candid about it,” Dr. Sonego suggests.
John Petersen, PsyD, owner of Family Psychology of South Bend also reminds couples to make sure both of you are on the same wavelength about extended family and other issues. “Make decisions about how you do holidays, what the relationship is with extended family, family traditions and what relationship you hope your spouse to have with your family,” Dr. Petersen says.
Communicate with Consideration
Dr. Petersen explains that the key to communication when you are in conflict is to stay away from what Dr. John Gottman, a well-recognized marriage expert, refers to as the four horsemen; Dr. Petersen says, “If you avoid criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt, you are in good shape.”
To help foster healthy communication, some newlyweds may want to hold a marriage meeting each week. “The agenda is what you appreciate about each other and anything you want to address in terms of change in the relationship and the meaning about each of those things to you,” explains Dr. Petersen.
Reduce Stress and Boundaries
Life’s stress can cause strain on a marriage, so do your best to find strategies to deal with stress. Kathy Blumentritt, marriage and family therapist in Mishawaka, suggests the following: “Maintaining a healthy lifestyle can reduce stress, so if your spouse does not exercise, eat well, isolates himself or does not have hobbies or downtime, when an issue comes up, he is less likely to handle it well.”
One way to reduce emotional conflict and stress is to set up boundaries early on in your marriage. Blumentritt notes the importance of setting boundaries, which means that parts of your relationship should only stay between the two of you.
“Sometimes people share things with people, when they should be doing that with their spouse,” she says.
Learn to Say, and Mean, “I’m Sorry”
Bob Hueni, a retired pastor who has been happily married now for 60 years, emphasizes the importance of forgiveness: “You need to forgive and ask for forgiveness because if you do not forgive one another when there are offenses, it tends toward bitterness and anger.”
This means recognizing if you are at fault. “You need to be willing to own up to your own problems and offenses, say you are sorry and ask for forgiveness,” Hueni says.
Couples Who Pray Together Stay Together
For Hueni, this has proven true as his relationship with God has brought him closer to his wife and has helped him find real peace and harmony in his marriage.
“Read the bible and pray together because the closer you come to God, the closer you come to each other,” says Hueni.
Hueni also discusses the special, sacred bonds of marriage, and reminds couples to pay attention to the needs of their spouse and not allow for other options when times become difficult: “Never talk about divorce and never give undue attention to someone of the opposite sex because your vow that ‘til death do you part means just that.”
Remember that nobody said marriage, especially in the first few years, was easy. Hueni reminds us, “It takes hard work, time and the giving of yourself for the good of your mate, but it is worth it.”
Make Your Relationship a Priority
Something as simple as spending time together can show that you value your marriage. Hueni says, “Grow and love every day, even if it means scheduling time with your wife because she is busy doing other things, because if you are not careful, a gap will develop.”
There is a learning curve for everyone, but truly commit yourself to staying true to your marriage for the long haul.
Dr. Sonego notes, “People who are successful long-term in relationships elevate the importance of the relationship very high on the list of important things in their life, whereas people that have trouble in relationships do not focus on them or tend to them enough.”
