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By Dr. Jesse Hsieh
Valentine’s Day is a time to think about romance, flowers and love. But what happens after the fairytale ends and the happy couple rides off into the sunset?
As a doctor, I get to hear later on in the office the nitty-gritty, down and dirty of getting to really know each other.
“Doctor, do all men have that much gas or just mine? Or does my guy have some medical problem?”
“He’s sooo cute and wonderful….but he’s such a pig! How long is he gonna live if he doesn’t change?”
“Do men really lose their hearing that soon…or is it just my guy?”
“Hey Doc, what is this P—M—S; it is scaaary!? Help!”
“Geez, between hair color, make-up and all those chemicals for her to look good—I never knew…!
Will she still love me, if I lose my job, my hair, my muscles, my hearing….?
Will he still love me, when I get older, heavier and when I may need him the most--when I’m sick?
Will I be left alone and lonely?
‘Till death us do part' has been replaced by 'as long as I’m happy’.
Many people today choose to live together rather than get married. Why? When asked, they point to high divorce rates and “want to make the right choice.” Last year, the National Center for Health Statistics showed that the divorce rate is 41% of all first marriages, 60% of second and 73% of all third marriages.
What is marriage? It is an intimate relationship, created as a contract, involving governmental, social and religious recognition codified into law. It requires nurturing, protecting each other and any children who are part of the family. Marriage historically is not as much about sex, love or happiness, but rather is the basic building block of society that creates stability for our culture and future generations. Meeting each other’s needs holds that union together.
So, fellas, if she is really worried about your health, your weight, blood pressure, smoking and stress, she’s really not being a nag. She’s invested in you…devoted her life to you, and commitment means taking a deep breath and allowing the doctor to have his way with you.
Living together, in contrast,involves no public commitment, no pledge for the future, no official pronouncement of love and responsibility. It is essentially a private arrangement based on an emotional bond. “As long as you behave yourself and keep me happy, I'll stick around.”
Although there are exceptions, especially in those who have cohabitated together for more than seven years, a Columbia University found that "only 26% of women surveyed and 19% of the men married the person with whom they were cohabiting." A more comprehensive National Survey of Families and Households, based on interviews with 13,000 people, concluded, "About 40% of cohabiting couples in the U.S. break up without the couple getting married." One of the reasons may be that those who cohabit drift from one partner to another in search of the 'right' person.
Penn State sociologists estimate that 2.2 million children in America live with one parent and an unmarried partner.Cohabiting parents often have great difficulty establishing guidelines for their children, especially when they reach the dating age, mainly because the kids sense contradiction.
Marriage doesn’t solve everything, though.
When I was much younger, I had a friend, Sharon, who was young, beautiful, a business director and an aerobics instructor. She’d had a ‘great marriage’ until she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her husband left her shortly after her treatments began—he left a note and moved out.
Because she was so attractive, men still asked her out, and she ended up on CNN and in Parade magazine on the topic “Dating While Having Breast Cancer.” It was intriguing; what do you tell someone, “nice to meet you, I have breast cancer, so do you still want to ask me out?” Sharon eventually passed away from her cancer, but her friends, who may be reading this, and I--share a bond.
Bottom line, loving someone’s a heck of a lot of work, can be painful and thankless sometimes, requires us to put our own needs aside, and certainly not all hearts in our eyes. But if someone else does that for us when we’re in need, because they in turn love us….well then, it’s all worth it, isn’t it?
