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Surviving even the most challenging family conditions
It’s that time of year again. And with the holiday season comes the smell of fresh cut pine, the surgery savor of homemade treats, and the bittersweet tradition of spending quality time with the in-laws.
As memorable as these familiar holiday moments are, so too are the emotions of unmet expectations of years past, holiday gatherings gone wrong, and the saga that is the never ending cultural experience of what we call family life in America.
As we all know, family life during the holiday season, especially when relating to our in-laws and extended family, comes with certain challenges. In the bustle of the spirit of the season, even relatively simple tasks, like agreeing upon times to celebrate or deciding whose house you’ll be gathering at, can quickly bring a cold front of frustration and disappointment to even the healthiest of families. These relational storms often blow in unexpectedly, leave you feeling quite frigid, and if left unchecked, have the potential to cause awkwardness and family tension for years to come.
But as every good weatherman knows, being properly prepared for the forecast is the key to surviving the elements. So with this in mind, we’ve put together a few weather related relational tips to help you get ready for the winter holiday blast.
Check the Forecast
Sometimes avoiding conflict during the holidays is as simple as checking with your extended family far enough in advance, inquiring of their plans and letting them know yours. Do you experience conflict with a particular family member every year mostly just around the holidays? There is a good chance that conflict stems from unmet expectations. Prepare for the conditions by asking questions like, “Is there anything that I could do to help make this a wonderful holiday for you?” or “Is there anything different that you would like to do this year for Christmas that we haven’t done in the past?” Questions like these help everyone know what they can expect and may even help to divert some of the winter weather.
Bottle Up the Sunshine
As those of us in Michiana know, during the winter months the sun can seem quite scarce. To combat the winter blues, we learn to “bottle up” the sunshine, soaking in as much of it as we can throughout the year. The same is true for relationships. Unfortunately, some families find themselves coming together only around certain holidays, or perhaps only for a wedding or a funeral throughout the year. This absence of proximity and time spent has major implications on your family together around the holidays. It is extremely unrealistic to think that a family, which might have relatively limited relationships throughout the year, will somehow come together at Christmas or New Year’s Day for a time of problem free family bliss. You will find a direct and positive correlation between time spent together throughout the year and an increased joy of spending time together at the holidays. So, bottle up this positive family time throughout the year and store it for the more potentially stressful times around the holidays.
Bundle Up
Just like thick layers protect your skin from freezing temperatures, thick skin can protect you during the holidays from all sorts of possible offense. Holidays are some of the most high stress times of the year. During stressful situations, we typically filter our thoughts less and consequently increase the odds of saying something offensive. Prepare yourself for potential conflict by expecting that a few odd comments will slip out during your time together as family, and “bundle up” with some thick skin ahead of time in order to prepare your emotions. That way, when Cousin Eddie says, “Man, Clark, this looks like a good turkey. Too bad it’s a little dry,” you’ll be able to smile and say, “Thanks, Eddie. Glad you like it.”
Don’t Be Tossed By the Wind
Surprisingly during heavy storms, wind – not precipitation – is responsible for most of the damage. Likewise, during family conflict, the unforeseen forces of guilt and manipulation are the biggest culprits. Even with the best intentions and the wisest tips, the holidays are an easy time for guilt and manipulation to quickly become the driving factors for making decisions. Remember that you can never please everyone. The wellbeing of your immediate family should always come first. By this, we aren’t trying to justify selfishness when making plans with extended family, but simply that it’s okay and actually quite healthy to make your own traditions. This will go over much better with the in-laws by lovingly communicating the importance of your own family’s traditions in a way that doesn’t make them feel unimportant or overlooked.
Perhaps you’re reading this as a parent with adult children. Take note, it is important for your children to develop their own traditions that can be passed down to the next generation. You might be surprised in how your “kids” respond simply by passing the baton to them to become the leaders of the holiday celebration. It might be different than how you would do it, but the overall effect will do wonders in alleviating guilt and manipulation and may just calm the storm.
As a closing thought, remember what the season is really about. The baking, the shopping, the gifts, the lights and everything else that goes into preparing for the holidays pale in comparison to the meaning behind the holidays themselves. Learn to laugh at your idiosyncrasies, offer forgiveness for the past and cherish the time that you do have together.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
